This is just a quick blog post to check in. I'm too exhausted to write for long but today was a good day. My gorgeous husband and I got groceries, and I got tons of healthy stuff, so that always feels good. I tried the a bike at the gym today and it honestly felt as if I had not worked out in months, because it used a whole new set of muscles. It was great!
My numbers for eating are too high today. I tried to keep it under but ate some things that brought it way over. But it was not a binge day, just tired and losing track of things. Have a good day!
I wanted to write just a bit more after my last post. I have been really looking deeply at the overeating that I do, and these are some reflections. First of all, I ended up overeating yesterday quite a bit. I made some stew for supper and it was delicious. Very delicious. And I had a reasonable portion with my husband before he went to work. Then, after he left, I ate about three more bowls of it. There. It's out. My secret's out. I'm a closet eater. Still. I've been doing much better but at night, for dinner, I often overeat in my portions.
And why did I do it? Well, I didn't think it really was that much. I mean, my body afterwards definitely knew it was too much but somehow my mind rationalized it. And I racked my brains trying to come up with, why?:As you may have guessed, this isn't the first time I have done this.
Here's that stew again
And it's much less emotional eating, much less of what I would call the binges. No, it's just kind of mindless eating, and it is a form of denial. When I make it, and it's good homemade food, I tend to think, "it's okay. It's healthy food. It's not that bad." And I don't think it counts for much. In short, I do bad math. I see healthy food, as opposed to french fries or cookies, and I justify. I indulge, indulge in healthy food. But it's still indulging, and the calories still really add up. And eating too much has become such a habit for me that I don't even realize that I am doing it. I just do it, and regret it afterwards. So, that is why I have to track right now: to force myself to look at how much I eat. To become aware, after years of not realizing. And I believe I will get there because I refuse to give up. I am being brutally honest about where I am at, because I am tired of hiding. If I do this, I know I am not the only one. I am clawing myself out of the fat life, and finding the way. And God is helping me. And I fully believe I will make it. I'm not claiming to be the super diet guru. I'm just a woman trying to change. And change is hard, and gradual, but good.
Today I wanted to take the opportunity to write about some of the "deep stuff" of losing weight. These are some of the thoughts I've had over the course of the week about this weight loss journey.
First of all, I want to share an epiphany I had this week. The timing is interesting because this week was the traditional holiday of the Epiphany, which celebrates the revelation of Jesus Christ, especially to the Magi.
It was in the morning, in the washroom, as I was getting ready for work. I just saw a picture of how losing weight was not about depriving myself more, but it was, in fact, about caring for myself more. It was about caring for "me," in a way I never have. Caring for me meant eating wonderful foods that nourish my body and moving in a way that makes me feel young and alive. Caring for me meant "paying attention," to what my body really needed. And this caring is not goal-oriented, or focused on results: it's just a beautiful thing to do.
When I say I saw this, that's what I mean. It was just like a vision of it: that hit me all at once. Not my mind, but my heart and my spirit. And my body. It became very real to me. I believe truth has to hit us, in our hearts, before it truly becomes real to us.
Love is not about "doing right." It's about caring. I have always thought of myself as a caring person. But it is usually for others. Caring for myself has been much more of a stretch. And I mean really caring. Not being selfish and demanding. Just caring.
In fact, binge eating looks like caring for one's self, because it selfishly eats more than it needs, but it's not. It's actually abusing one's self, because one doesn't need tons of food like that. Abuse of others or one's self is never love. And that's what I do when I binge: I abuse myself.
Eating well and exercising is love, to ourselves. (Image by Prawy, via Morguefile.)
Eating well and exercising is the opposite: it is love.
It is funny that a couple of days after I had this epiphany, that I ran across this powerful video from the site at Anti-Jared. This video confirmed the feelings and thoughts that I had, so nicely.
I close with this, and I would love to hear your thoughts.
Today's overall calorie count is good. I made spaghetti sauce with sauce, with lots of veges added in. I wrote about how I make this sauce here. It's delicious! Tonight, I measured it very well, so I could be more precise about what I am eating. I usually do a lot of guessing but I want to try to really know what I am eating, so I can pinpoint what my portions need to be.
This sauce is the regular jar sauce, but it has celery, onions, bell pepper and garlic added. It was delicious tonight! This is my gorgeous husband's favourite: spaghetti. Adding all the veges is something I have got him used to!
I still ate too much at supper, though, with a supper total of 761 calories. I was totally stuffed. I ate one cup of cooked spaghetti and one cup of the sauce (which is 253 calories per cup.) And then I had some olive oil on the spaghetti and 2 cups of milk. This all added up. I was thinking of how I could get the meal down to 500 calories or so: eat only 1/2 cup of spaghetti, add even more veges, and go back to 1% milk.
Here's a tip for anyone that's cooking a lot and doesn't know how to calculate your recipes. First, create a recipe on Sparkpeople, Create the recipe by entering all the ingredients and then putting in how many servings the recipe creates. You can then have a calorie count for your recipe. It's great! I am sure there are other programs that do this, too, but I am familiar with Sparkpeople. The really nice thing about this is that you can cook this recipe again, and know the calories every time. It's in the program. You can also print the recipe out and put in a book for yourself. I love it!
So, that was my eating for today. How was your day?
